Discovering healthy intimacy after trauma

Intimacy changes overtime, what can you do?

Jacqui Fellew, Self Directed Healing Practitioner, shares her story of survival, growth and reconnection and offers guidance for building intimacy after trauma and rekindling in relationship.

Her Story:

To have intimacy with someone means to have a close connection that has taken time to grow. Around this person, there is an openness in expressing emotions, a comfortability and genuine capacity to care deeply about one another. This closeness can be emotional as well as physical in the form of sexual intimacy. Over time, this intimacy can fluctuate due to stress, having babies and being time poor health to name a few but how does intimacy fare when you experience a major illness.

Illness can deeply challenge our sense of safety and security, prompting us to reflect on how we fit into the world and our future. In relationships, a shaken sense of safety can translate to a lack of trust. We may feel as though others can’t relate to our internal experience. This can change our behaviours and communication patterns and result in a lot of assumptions, hurt feelings, isolation, and fear of reaching out to others.

I can only speak from my own experience, as a survivor of cancer I changed from being a very healthy Mum of one, to being very sick, unable to look after my child and family. After treatment had finished, my body mind & soul took time to return to health.

I needed to address my deflated self-esteem and how I felt about this new version of myself. What I experienced was physically demanding but also considered emotional trauma, my body had been taken to a point close to no return and my soul had reconciled death.

Steps to get Reacquainted with yourself:

Acknowledge the ordeal your body, mind and soul has been or is going through and thank your body. In my experience, I thanked by mind for tolerating the bouts of anxiety and fear for eight months on behalf of my body and soul. From my body and mind I thanked my soul for enduring the darkest night of my soul.
Acknowledge your strength and genuine love for life. You can endure the toughest fight of your life and come out on the other side with a few battle scars. Personally, I made a pact with myself to be fearless as we have no control over what happens so moving forward my intent was to live my life fully.
Acknowledge the love and support you receive from your support circle. This energy offers great comfort and courage. I was deeply at ease in the care of my magnificent family and thankful for random acts of kindness from strangers.

With hindsight, the experience gave me greater insight to myself and I had much to be grateful for. As for my relationship with my partner, the physical intimacy was on hold for the period of my illness. As a couple, our relationship deepened and grew. I have such appreciation for my partner who was father, mother, housewife, breadwinner and supportive partner. When it was time for me to resume the position, we created dedicated space to have a meaningful, honest conversation about intimacy. One with true time away from distractions and interruptions so we could fully focus on the situation. It felt a little awkward at first, but it is better to lean into discomfort and openly communicate so no one was left feeling confused or hesitant. Strength in relationship comes from the moments we are willing to be our most vulnerable.

How Touch Can Help You reignite intimacy with your partner

Touch plays an important role in rebuilding intimacy, here's how you can use it to reignite the flame.

Start with hand holding, hug for at least 20 seconds to release oxytocin. Consider cozying up on the couch for a movie or spooning in bed to rebuild your connection and get comfortable being close. With each connection, share your experience your partner, likes and dislikes. Consent and communication are key.
If you are unsure how your body will react to being aroused, consider self exploration before partnered activity. If your illness involved the removal of breast, uterus or ovaries, these procedures can affect your hormone levels causing dryness and you may need some lubrication. Don’t be disheartened if you have little to no libido, it does take time to remember pleasure. Don’t be shy, it's your body, your rules.
When you are ready to get intimate with your partner, remember that it doesn’t need to be goal oriented, meaning completing with orgasm. Take things at your own pace and communicate at every step. Start by simply staring into each other’s eyes and slowly touch each other, try massage, a hot bath or shower together after a date night.
As you go into this space, keep your awareness on the sensations you feel in your body. You may want to use a “safe” word to slow down the touch if it becomes overwhelming. If your mind begins to wander, anchor in on your breath and reconnect with the sensation. This method is particularly good if you have low libido.
Hopefully reconnecting with intimacy is like riding a bike and it returns with present awareness and natural instinct, and most importantly, remember to remove any pressure on yourself and give space for your unique process.

Why Intimacy is A Muscle You Should Flex

Intimacy is like a muscle; it needs to be exercised to stay strong. With practice your intimacy will return and rebuild connection with your partner.

Twenty-one years on, my partner and I are still together and I am grateful to say I am now a mother of three beautiful children. We have experienced much of life, good and bad, the divine and the ugly. As our journey continues to be enrich with closeness of intimacy, life remains unpredictable and yet again we have been thrown another curve ball. My beautiful partner has recently been diagnosed with Malt Lymphoma and Squamous Cell Carcinoma. This news was like stepping into the DeLorean in Back to the Future and I was emotionally hurdled back to 2001.

I experienced many of the emotional triggers all over again, the anxiety, fear, and “this is too hard” feeling. Thankful for all the emotional healing I have done since then, today I am able to hold myself with kindness and compassion and stand strong along side myself and my partner. So, we are back on the DeLorean, with my travel beloved partner, destination unknown…

Explore Sessions with Jaqui

Jacqui Fellew is a Self Directed Healing Practitioner and founding director of the Self Directed Healing Association of Australia. She believes to live the life you a meant to live, you need to process trauma, difficult emotions, and limiting beliefs. If you are experiencing difficult emotion, feel stuck, relationship issues or all three, book a discovery call and chat with Jacqui.

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